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Emotionally and Physically Exhausted, Ah Heck! All of the Above!

Literally me this week


It saddens me that I have not been able to keep up with this blog. My major honest mom excuse: "I'm not managing my mom life well."  There is SO much I want to say in this entry, so much on my mind and so much I don't even know will come out. I'm surprised I'm actually able to write this right now, but I tell you it is out of sheer exhaustion of my whole self to do so, so that I don't go completely nuts. I need to get stuff out.

 I also was unable to keep up with my Honest New Mom video series on my Youtube channel. I made 11 videos, which is good but wanted to do more. At one point I got quite busy and said I'd settle for an even dozen and tell my viewers to catch up with me here instead. Ha! That never happened. Was a good plan though...

So, it's 9:28 pm, Saturday night. Mr. Baby really did a number on me tonight. He fought sleep so much...SO much. It seems like every time his routine get's thrown off he has trouble, which unfortunately happens often. I am trying my best given my circumstances. There are a lot of things to distract Draygen, other people, loud TV's, loud voices, people yelling at cats, cat's yowling to go out so they can come in again, bright lights, etc. I feel as though if I were alone with him in a quiet apartment then he wouldn't have to be so on edge (neither would I!) Tonight, as I said, was particularly difficult. At 7-8 months Draygen has entered the whiny stage. He is mostly a happy baby but my completely happy baby is no longer there. He whines so much now! And don't even thing about taking anything away from him if you don't want an earful. No matter how you cater to him he doesn't seem satisfied. We are all usually pretty good and figuring out his needs but when he gets tired, that's another story.

The biggest thing I try my best to do for him at nap and bed time is to de-stimulize him the best I can given the above distractions. I turn out lights, cuddle him in a blanky, sometimes a bottle, sometimes not. At this point (bed time) all his needs are met, or at least I hope they are. He was so sleepy tonight and I tried everything from cuddling in the dark, bedtime Super Simple Songs, to just leaving him alone in his bed. That last one failed, miserably. So it was back to books. Reading seems to calm him, although he's gotten picky in his old age and seems to absolutely hate certain books or certain pages in particular books. Others he'll sit through the whole thing, go figure. We read about 5 books and when we were done, he started doing the head on my chest, but hey I'm still awake and don't know what I want thing. He just can't seem to get comfortable enough to sleep, it's like his sleep position has to be the perfect storm.  So back to the dark room we went, more singing and cuddling with him pushing me away and wanting to be held at the same time, then I put him down and he rolled around in bed a while, obviously not going to sleep, so I picked him up, shouldered him (which he did and didn't want) and then he stared at his bed and leaned toward it and actually wanted to go back to it! A light at the end of the tunnel!? He rolled around some more and laid there on his back making little noises, he smiled at me through the dark and acted tired as he tried to create the perfect storm once again. At this point, I knew he was so tired that he just HAD to drop off this time, correction, he MUST or I'd run out the door screaming! So I left him alone, fought back some tears from exhaustion, and began to clean up toys, laundry, etc, hoping against all hope that he was falling asleep in there! A few minutes later grace shined upon me and he was down! Hallelujah!

I'm kind of at a breaking point right now. I don't know if I can handle another rough night. I feel like I'm going to wake up crying  myself and need someone to feed and cuddle me back to sleep. Right now, I'm so tired that I'm not tired. If that makes any sense. Not to mention that I have a tummy ache from eating like crap. (Thank God for peppermint tea). I just hope I am doing the right thing for my little boy. I hope I'm doing ok, because some days like this I feel like all I'm doing is failing and compromising and giving up. I get paranoid that I'm doing some kind of lasting damage to his emotional well being in the future, maybe that's a silly thought. I just want to be a good mom. I'm not a great mom, or a perfect mom, or a super mom, I'm just a mom, an honest mom who wants the best for her little guy, plus a great meal that I don't have to cook, a night of uninterrupted sleep and a full body massage. *sighs*

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