 |
| I miss this girl... |
Who knew that a little person who entered our lives 8 months and 9 days ago would also be a thief?! Not only has he stole our hearts but he has stolen or identity! Please don't think I'm being cruel when I say this. It's partially in jest but also somewhat true, per the situation of new parents.
I have not been feeling myself ever since Draygen was born, more so over the past few months, it's just gotten worse. There are days when I just don't care what the hell I look like when I get out of bed and minimal effort is put in after showering. I used to care more, I mean, I still do, but now it's like, what's the point?! I rarely go out, except the store and church and the rest of the time I'm home. I can't be creative with my hair because baby's always pulling it, so up it goes, can't wear jewelry cause he'll pull at that too, not EVEN gonna risk dangly earrings and clothes, well, might as well be comfy if I'm gonna be home with the possibility of being spit up on or food being thrown at me right? But regardless of the "what's the point?" attitude, I miss those things. I miss doing my hair nice, makeup, my jewelry and other accessories. I miss dressing goth and having fun expressing myself creatively. I don't feel like me anymore, I miss myself. I know I'm still a Mama Bat and always will be, I just feel like I'm missing something. It's not even just my self image, it's other things too, such as my art and my vlogging. I very rarely make Youtube videos anymore and that makes me sad. I just have no time and when I do, it's used by someone else or I'm just way too tired. I draw every once in a great while but nothing lately. I long to get back into my art and finishing a couple of projects. I miss painting too! I haven't painted since April before Draygen was born. I almost feel as though things like that will have to wait until he's older when he can be occupied with joining me in art projects or old enough to not need my constant attention.
*sigh* I don't mean to sound selfish, but I know I'm not alone. There are plenty of other new mom's who have gone through the same thing, questioning themselves and who they now are as a mother. In fact, my husband has been feeling the same way as well. We both miss ourselves and each other, as a couple together. Don't get us wrong, we love being parents, but we aren't just parents and that's what we miss. We feel like there are a lot of things, projects, etc that we'd like to do but as I said above, we feel like we have to wait till our son is older before committing any significant time to anything. So, becoming new parents has been rewarding but has also changed us in ways that are confusing. Will we find ourselves, or are our old selves just in the closet waiting to be "put on" again? Or as my husband puts it, we are in a weird time where everything is in a holding pattern until Draygen grows up and can function for himself.
I just wonder how other Mamma Bat's do it. I see others who are still making Youtube videos and looking gorgeous. Are they just more willing to take more time for themselves? Is it easier for them? Or do they refuse to lose themselves completely to parenthood? I don't know, I just wish I could manage more than one thing, I've always been envious of those who can. I'm a good multi-tasker but I can't seem to do everything at once and be successful at them all. All I know right now is I'm waiting...waiting to get my identity back and feel like myself again.
 |
| Plain Mom Me |
Comments
Post a Comment